


if i'm losing a part of me (maybe i don't want heaven)

by princessharold



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Be gentle, Break Up, Canon fic, Christmas, Christmas fic, Fights, Fluff, M/M, PR stunt, Rating May Change, Temporary Break Up, does anyone read these anyways, don't read for gryles, first fic on here, i don't know how to tag a fic, louis and nick fight, okay so, past gryles, phoebe liam and danielle are barely mentioned, proposal, smut possibly to be added later, the gryles was in the past and is mentioned for like .2 seconds, the summary sucks sorry, um
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-13 21:55:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5718478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessharold/pseuds/princessharold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>where louis is scared, harry is broken, and christmas is a time for fixing</p>
            </blockquote>





	if i'm losing a part of me (maybe i don't want heaven)

**Author's Note:**

> okay so hi! this is my first completed fic thing and my first on ao3, so i'm really nervous; hopefully it's not too bad?
> 
> this work is dedicated to two of the best people ever; thank you colby and jess for helping me and inspiring me to finish this; it probably would have sat unfinished in my files otherwise
> 
> obviously, i do not own the boys or anything related to them, and would very much appreciate it if this work wasn't shared with them!
> 
> title from heaven - troye sivan ft betty who

“I don’t think he particularly wants to talk to you right now,” Johannah told her son while reading a magazine, the line _Louis’ New Girlfriend_ glaring from the front cover. She looked at Louis over the top of the publication, one eyebrow raised as she continued, “Did you know that you’re dating Danielle now? I could have sworn you were already taken…what do I know though, right? I’m just your mum.”

“I’ve got to _try_! And you know as well as I do those rags are a load of rubbish!” Louis slammed his hand on the table in front on him, causing his mother to jump. “Sorry, mum,” he sheepishly apologized at the look of irritation directed toward him. Jay sighed and set the magazine down next to her plate, holding her hand out for her son to grab. His tight grip gave away how worried he was.

“I know how much you love that boy, Louis. Hell, it’s so obvious I’m surprised the whole world doesn’t know. But sometimes it’s easy to forget how much someone loves you when you’re constantly facing the entire world telling you that they’re shacking up with every girl they talk to. You need to reassure him that he’s the only one for you, instead of whining to me about it – or else you’re going to lose him, and it’ll be your own fault.” She squeezed Louis’ hand as she spoke to soften the punch of her words.

“You’ve gotten too good at his whole ‘tough love’ thing, mum.” A chuckle pushed its way out of Louis’ mouth as he shoved the hand not holding on to his mother into his hair, pushing his fringe out of his eyes and allowing Jay to see the red rimming her son’s tired eyes.

“You should really get that cut, you know,” Lottie stepped into the kitchen where Jay and Louis had been eating breakfast – Jay eating, Louis nervously pushing his food around on his plate – and made her way to the refrigerator. “You’re starting to look like even more of a homeless bum.”

“Oi!” Louis cracked a weak grin at Lottie’s joke as he pulled his hand from his mother’s. At his response, Lottie’s smile fell and she closed the refrigerator after grabbing a bottle of water.

“What’s wrong?” She sat at the small kitchen table between Louis and Johannah, picking at her brother’s plate and stealing a piece of bacon and chewing on it as she waited for his response. Louis put up a mild protest, pushing her hand away, but he allowed his hand to thud back onto the table after the second time, the bout of crying that had left his eyes red having stolen his energy.

“Why would something be wrong?” Louis felt his eyebrows furrow as he looked at his sister.

“Usually with a crack like that you’d respond with something about my make-up or shoes or something.”

“I’m just tired, Lot. I’ll be back up to making fun of you in no time.” Lottie looked at her brother with a watchful eye too wise for her age, and stood up from the table.

“Stop being a coward and go get your boyfriend back,” she advised as she left the room. Jay looked at her oldest son, noted the despondent look his face featured, and agreed with Lottie.

“Happy birthday to me, huh? Sitting here pining after the guy I’ve been in love with for five years while he’s probably up in London partying or some shite.” Jay smacked Louis’ hand, and he flinched in regret, then looked around to make sure no prying ears were around – mother or not, Jay would _kill_ him if Ernest and Doris started going around cursing.

“You know just as well as I do that Harry’s doing nothing of the sort, Lou. He loves you just as much as you love him, although that might not stay true if you don’t go after him.” Jay picked up her nearly empty plate and grabbed her son’s almost completely full plate and carried them back to the sink, scraping the extra food into the trash and beginning to wash off the plates.

“I could have done that, mum,” Louis stood up and went to help Jay clean off the dishes, rolling up his sleeves and pushing his hands into the soapy water. “Go sit down, I’ve got this.” The older woman lifted her hands from the sink and grabbed a hand towel to clean off the suds. Watching her son take over – doing a task that he probably didn’t do often in his normal day-to-day life – so she wouldn’t have to, a fond smile crossed her face, and she sat the towel back down on the counter and reached her arms around her son and hugged him. Louis rested his head on her shoulder as best he could, and let out a sigh of contentment.

“What was that for,” he inquired after raising his head to meet her eyes. Jay pushed his fringe out of his eyes – it _was_ getting quite long – and felt her smile grow.

“I’m just so proud of the son I raised. No matter what anyone says, you’re the best son I could have ever asked for.” Louis’ face broke out into a smile, and Jay saw some of the light that the years had stolen return to his eyes. For a second, he looked like _her_ Louis; the one who never had to hide who he was, who always had a quick smile ready for anyone. Over the years, being _the_ “Louis Tomlinson” had taken its toll, and the only person who seemed to be able to bring her Louis back was Harry. Now that he was gone – only temporarily, she hoped – she hadn’t been sure that she’d ever see that version of her son again. It was nice to know that she still had some mum power left.

“Thanks, mum. Now scoot and let me finish these dishes.” They shared a laugh as Jay walked away from the sink and into the sitting room where the rest of the family was watching a movie. Louis stared out the window at the snow settling on the ground as he finished up the dishes, the menial chore calming the racing of his mind. Once he finished, though, his mind went back to the subject it had been obsessing over since their last meeting: Harry.

Louis closed his eyes and leaned against the counter in front of him, remembering Harry as he last saw him: puffy eyes, tearstained cheeks, his body shaking as he screamed at Louis to get out. He had looked so – _broken,_ and the inescapable truth was that Louis had no one to blame but himself. Those last stunts with Danielle – they were completely Louis’ idea. Management, for once, hadn’t had a single part in planning it; maybe that’s why the pictures looked more natural. Louis had been scared – as much as he had begged his management team for the opportunity to come out and freely be with Harry, now that it was almost here, he was petrified of the backlash. And so he took the coward’s way out, and pushed the LOUIS TOMLINSON IS STRAIGHT line onto the public again, with no thought spared to how it would affect their plans, his family, Danielle. Harry. And so when he returned to their house, he was – stupidly – completely unprepared for the boot that came flying past his head.

“Whoa, Haz,” he chuckled, not realizing the emotion behind the throwing until he turn to look at his boyfriend and saw his face. Harry looked destroyed and lost, like his center of gravity was missing and now he had no direction. Louis put up his hands in a placating manner as he looked around the room – confused as to what was happening – until they landed on the large television in the center of the wall in front of him.

“ _– unprecedented display of affection, the pop star is seen here_ kissing _Danielle! It certainly looks like he’s going in for it, Pat.”_

_“You are absolutely right, Miranda. Wow, I haven’t seen a kiss like that since – “_

The television shut off as Louis mashed the power button on the remote, leaving the room in a blissful but terrifying silence. He slowly turned to look at Harry, scared to see the expression on his face, but he shouldn’t have worried – Harry had turned his back to him. Louis debated whether or not he should go to him, but decided that it was probably best to stay put for now, to give Harry his space.

“Was it worth it?” Harry’s shoulders shook with barely contained sobs as he spoke, and Louis felt his heart aching. _To hell with space._ Louis strode forward and rested his hand on Harry’s shoulder, only to be shrugged off as Harry moved further away.

“Harry, it was just – it was a stunt, like it always is. Like you and Taylor, and Kendall, and Cara.” That was apparently the wrong thing to say, as Harry quickly turned around to face Louis with an incredulous expression.

“Really? Like it always is? I’ve only ever done stunts with girls who need to hide a secret relationship or who need a beard. And I’ve certainly only done stunts that were planned. I’ve never gone around Chicago with a girl just for the hell of it! And I’ve never kissed one I didn’t have to,” Harry’s voice got progressively more forceful as he spoke, to the point where he was almost screaming at the end. Then his voice broke, and he could only whisper as he asked Louis, “Why?”

“Harry,” Louis felt tears pricking his eyes as he saw the look of anguish on a face he held so dearly, “I’m sorry. I was scared, okay? I was scared of what people would say about me once they know I’m gay. I’m not like you! I can’t go prancing around in women’s jeans and flowery tops and not give a fuck what people say! I was – I was just trying to fix this, fix me, I just wanted everyone to think I’m _normal –_ ”

“ _Fix_ you? So you’ll be _normal_?” Louis could see the anger clouding Harry’s face now, taking over so completely it was nearly impossible to tell that he’d ever had any other emotion. “And what’s so wrong with being ‘like me’?” What makes me not normal, Louis? Is it the fact that I’m finally fucking comfortable with who I am, and you’re not? It took me years to accept myself and you just – you know, I could deal with the stunts. I could deal with the pregnancy story. I was okay staying in the closet for far longer than I wanted to _because of you._ But this? I just – I can’t, Louis. Please, just…leave.” He watched as Harry walked to a couch and sat down, his movements almost robotic.

“Fuck, Harry, that’s not – that’s not what I meant, please, Harry just listen to me – ” The sound of sobs wracking Harry’s body interrupted him, and he watched as the man in front of him crashed into himself. It was like watching a car in one of those machines, the ones that crushed it into nothing but a small box. Harry fell apart and together all at once, curling into himself as if believing that nothing could hurt him if it couldn’t get to him.

Finally, he reached his head up and looked at Louis, all puffy eyes and tearstained cheeks but damn, still the most beautiful person Louis had ever seen. Even as he screamed at him to get out, and Louis walked out the door, the only thing that could pierce his shock was the thought that Harry was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen.

That, and the feeling of his heart breaking as he heard a plaintive voice speak into a phone from within the sitting room: “Please, I – Nick, I need you here right now.”

“You know, Louis, he’s not going to wait forever.” The sound of his mother’s voice pulled him back into the present. He looked over at her and attempted a smile – which was probably more of a grimace – and shook his head.

“I’m not quite sure he’s waiting at all, mum. I think I really messed up.” Johannah sighed and went towards her son, rubbing his back soothingly.

“Of course you really messed up. You wouldn’t be here otherwise. But I know you can fix it – you two were meant to be together.” Louis rested his hand on Jay’s which had moved up to his shoulder.

“I don’t know if I can. But I’m going to try.” With that, Louis straightened his back and left the kitchen to make his way to his bedroom. He could hear his family laughing in the other room at whatever movie they were watching – it had been _The Grinch_ but he wasn’t sure if enough time had passed for it to be over and onto a new film – and he hoped that next year, Harry would be there with them. With him. It’d only been a few days since he’d kicked Louis out of their house, three to be exact, but it felt like years that he’d been without Harry. If this had taught him anything – besides don’t do unplanned stunts – it was that he couldn’t imagine his life without Harry, ever. So he hoped he’d be able to put the ring he had stowed in his duffle bag to good use.

Looking in his closet, Louis began packing clothes on top of the box, preparing to travel to the flat he knew for a fact Harry had been staying in since the fight – thanks, Ed. It was nice to know that Harry’s friends wanted them to make up too. Except – well, except Nick, most likely. Louis hadn’t actually talked to him since a party Harry had thrown a few days before the Chicago stunt – Louis tried to avoid the smarmy bastard as best he could – but it was unlikely that Nick wanted Harry and Louis back together. He’d always been in love with Harry, everyone knew that, but Harry had always been with Louis – well except for that brief time in 2012 when the stress of closeting had driven them apart; at least then they had stayed friends, and as soon as they got back together Harry had ended things with Nick. He didn’t stop wanting Harry though, and was probably celebrating the split.

Ruffling through his shirts, Louis felt something soft in the back and pulled it forward, only to feel his heart hurt when he recognized Harry’s old Jack Wills jumper. He contemplated it for a minute and then slid it on, still able to slightly smell the familiar fragrance that Harry seemed to emit. After wrapping his arms around himself for a moment, lost in thoughts of the love of two young boys, he finished packing up his bag and slowly descended the stairs, stopping at the bottom to inhale a deep breath before walking into the main room. All eyes turned to him, and he shook a little as he announced “I’m leaving now, I’m not sure when I’ll be back.”

Phoebe snorted as the family shook their heads and turned back to the television, which had apparently started playing _Elf_ while he was having his crisis. “Finally! I was afraid we’d have to go get Harry ourselves.” Louis scoffed as he pushed the strap of his bag further up his shoulder, beginning to walk towards the door.

“Really, though,” she called, looking at Louis with an expression on her face too serious for her young years, “go get him back. You need him, you know.”

“Yeah,” he said, before closing the front door and whispering to himself, “I know.”

Picking the most conspicuous car he had at his family home, a dark blue Honda Accord, Louis packed his bag into the passenger side and climbed into the driver’s seat before resting his head on the padded steering wheel. He took a deep breath and started the car, backing out of the garage and into the empty road. The clock on the dash read 10:36 am in bright red numbers. He’d get to Harry’s apartment by about 2:00 as long as there was no traffic, which Louis wasn’t sure if he was praying for or not. He had less than four hours to get his tangled thoughts together; he had no idea what he was going to say to Harry once he saw him. _If_ he saw him. Maybe he’d left the flat or he would see it was Louis and not open the door. In that case, searching for the spare key – which Harry had probably left under a mat or some such cliché – would probably be his best move; he wasn’t leaving without having talked to Harry. He just wasn’t.

That decided, he turned on the radio to drown out the silence of the car.

_“– Listeners can go to our website right now where they can find exclusive pics of Louis with Danielle out in Chicago a few days ago –”_

Silence descended again as he quickly clicked the radio back off. He didn’t need any more reminders of that. Driving in quiet wasn’t that bad, he supposed. Just him and the open road, or whatever bullshit those indie American films talked about. He tapped his fingers on the wheel to the beat of a random song and settled in for a long drive.

-

            He had parked his car in front of the Speedy’s three blocks from Harry’s flat before pulling up his hood in an attempt to cover his face before stepping out of the car. He could have called someone for private parking of his car – a perk of everyone and their grandmother knowing who you are – but he didn’t want anyone to know he was in London yet. If it came to it, he’d rather nurse his broken heart in solitude.

            Squaring his shoulders, Louis set out for Harry’s flat. Thankfully most people were in their homes since it was Christmas Eve; only a few lonely souls wandered the streets, too busy carrying their bags to notice the young man swallowed by a rather large purple hoodie and stuffed into a pair of black jeans walking across the road from them. Just as he liked it. He loved the fans, sure, but sometimes they were a bit – much. The mobbing and stalking aspects weren’t the best, so being able to walk down a street like a normal person was refreshing to say the least.

            After a few minutes of walking, the fresh air clearing his mind, Louis stood in front of the building Harry’s flat was in. Or, more correctly, the building Harry owned since had bought the whole thing for privacy but only lived in one flat. At this point he realized he hadn’t thought his plan through very far; how was he supposed to get into the building? He didn’t want Harry to know he was here yet, not until he got to his flat, and he didn’t want anyone else to know he was in London. Sacrifices must be made though, he supposed, and he pulled his ID card for the building’s security system from his wallet. Hopefully no one would notice it had been scanned until he was with Harry.

            Once he got through the door, he debated between taking the stairs or the lift. He _had_ just walked three blocks, but the lift made noise when it opened and Harry’s door was only a few feet away from it. With a groan he opened the door to the stairwell and started the trek to the third floor. Having Harry back was worth a bit of minor discomfort, he decided. Definitely.

            Standing in front of Harry’s door, he felt his heart racing and his hands sweating. He had majorly fucked up the last time they’d been together, he _knew_ that, and he was so scared of messing up everything between them. He needed Harry in his life, he had since he was eighteen and would until he was dead and gone and his body was dust in the ground.

            He leant down and reached under the mat in front of the door that displayed a cheery “Welcome!” surrounded by flowers on a pink background – so Harry – and grabbed the key he knew was there. With a huff of triumph he stood back up before unlocking and opening the door. Silence. At – Louis checked his watch – 2:34 pm Harry was usually up and bustling around, or watching a film. It was odd that he couldn’t hear a single sound from anywhere in the flat.

            Walking through the rooms, he came to the bedroom where Harry had to be since every other room was empty – or he wasn’t here, but Louis wasn’t even entertaining that possibility – and he slowly opened the door.

            His heart dropped, and his mind stopped, and his lungs froze. Harry was definitely in the bedroom. Lying in bed. With Nick wrapped around him. Harry even had a fucking _smile_ on his sleeping face and –

            No. No. _No._ Louis left the room, slamming the door behind him, and strode into the sitting room, muttering the phrase like a chant.

            “No this can’t be happening, please God no,” he choked as he sunk to the floor, his legs giving out like the rest of his body.

            “What the hell are _you_ doing here?” Louis turned as best he could to see the face he honestly hated most at the moment. Before he could even register his actions, Louis had jumped up and run over to Nick, punching him in the face.

            “What the _fuck,_ mate?” Nick held his nose that was now running blood, glaring at Louis. Not responding, Louis pushed Nick into the wall behind him, knocking down the picture that had been hanging just above the impact zone. Having had enough, Nick pushed his back, causing him to hit the back of Harry’s couch and flip over it.

            Louis and Nick continued to push and hit each other, each getting in good punches to where they both would have more than a few bruises later that day.

            “You can’t take…him from me, you can’t – he…didn’t want you anymore!” Louis grunted out while ducking a right hook. Nick pulled up his knee and managed to hit Louis’ stomach, causing the younger man to double over in pain.

            “All you do is hurt him! He deserves someone who’s going to treat him like he deserves you little –” Nick was cut off as Louis slammed him into Harry’s glass table, the adrenaline flowing through his veins lending him much more strength than he’d usually have.

            The loud crash startled the two for a minute, and it was silent until they heard a voice speaking from a few feet away, “What did you do?”

            They both looked up to see Harry staying in the doorway, his eyes slightly droopy from sleep and his hair a bit mussed, wearing a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. Louis’ hoodie.

            “I heard your door slam so I came out to see what it was, and I found him crying in here like a fucking kid,” Nick spit as he glared at Louis, who was standing up and trying to clean himself off from the fight. He wiped his brow and felt something sticky before pulling his hand back and seeing blood. Definitely not the impression he wanted to send Harry when he came asking – begging, if he had to – for forgiveness.

            Harry winced at Nick’s language, then turned to look at Louis. “What…what are you doing here?”

            Louis glanced over at Nick, wanting to be alone with Harry, but the look on his face vetoed the idea of him leaving so Louis spoke. “Harry, I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said and I shouldn’t have done what I did and I’m just so fuck – freaking sorry for hurting you. You didn’t deserve that. You’re like the best thing that’s ever happened to me, H, and I was so stupid not to realize that before I risked losing you forever. When I think about that night, and your face – god, your face – I want to…I don’t know what I want to do but I want to take drastic measures to make sure you never look like that again because you’re happiness, Harry. You’re smiles and giggles and pink nail polish and milk moustaches and early morning kisses and you’re just everything, Harry, and you deserve nothing less than it. I can’t believe I _gave_ you less than that. Hurting you – it makes me one of the worst people I know, Harry. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me – I don’t know if I can forgive myself, but I’m just asking, begging, for one more chance, Harry. Let me – let me give you everything. Please.”

            During his speech, Harry had started to cry, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. After Louis went silent, his eyes stuck on Harry, the younger boy wiped the tears from his face and rubbed his nose before turning to Nick. “Nick would you mind, um, leaving please?” He wrapped his arms around his torso, looking like a small child.

            “Are you serious? You want me to leave you alone with _him_? Am I the only one who remembers how much of a fucking _ass_ –”

            “Enough, Nick! I asked you to leave. I won’t ask again.” Harry’s voice grew steely, and Nick scoffed before he picked himself up from where he was still sitting in the debris of the broken glass table. He grabbed a jacket that Louis hadn’t seen before from the couch and walked past the two.

            “Whatever. Hurt him again, and I’ll do a lot worse than you’ve got now,” Nick eyed Louis before he walked out of the flat. The door shut with a resounding thud and the two left in the room stared at each other for a moment, the silence deafening.

            “You…you really hurt me, Louis,” Harry began after a moment, moving to sit on the couch, “and for a while I – I never wanted to see you again.” The words fell out of his mouth like the rush of a river before Harry glanced up from the broken table and into Louis’ face. Whatever he saw there must have prompted him to keep going, as he looked back down and began to speak again. “And if you had come here then, I honestly would probably have had Nick throw you out and your card put on the deny list. But…I realized why you did what you did. Nick helped me, actually, although he’d hate it if I ever told him. When he came over the first time, after you…left, he told me that I should break up with you. Date him again instead. He’s already out and proud, so it wouldn’t hurt his image at all to be dating a guy. That’s when it clicked, you know – that while Nick and I are okay with people knowing we like men, and everyone basically knows it anyways so it won’t hurt our public image, you’re not. I know how important being famous is to you, Louis – and not in the selfish kind of way people may think, but because you’ve made something of yourself, despite what people predicted about you. And you’re proud of yourself for that, and so am I. And I understand that you don’t want anything to mess that up, Louis. You’ve come so far and gotten so big…for the media to know you’re gay? So many of them would tear you and everything you’ve done apart, people would invalidate your accomplishments because of their own stupid bigotry, you’d be right back to the boy who’s going nowhere in their minds and I _get_ that, Louis, I do –”

            “Harry, no,” Louis interrupted the flow of words following from Harry’s mouth, carefully maneuvering through the glass on the floor to tentatively grab Harry’s hands, holding on stronger when he wasn’t pushed away, “all of that is true, Harry, I was worried about that, but I realized that you’re worth it, Harry. I’d give up the world once, twice, a million times if it meant I got to have you by my side. No one and nothing is worth losing you ever again, no opinion or story or contract. I was stupid, so stupid, Harry. I’m sorry.”

            Harry reached forward and threw his arms around Louis, holding on so tight Louis thought his ribs would crack. “Please, Lou, don’t…don’t do that again? I missed you.” Louis felt tears wetting the fabric of the hoodie he was wearing and felt a few – a lot – fall down his face as well and onto Harry’s hair.

            “I’m so sorry, so sorry, Harry,” Louis set into another round of apologies before Harry let out a watery chuckle and removed his head from Louis’ chest to look up at him.

            “Please, stop apologizing. I’ve forgiven you, okay? Just – can we forget about this? Please? I don’t wanna think about it anymore,” Harry’s voice was muffled by the end from putting his head back into Louis’ – his – hoodie.

            “Of course, I promise.” Louis rested his head on top of his boy’s for a few more minutes before digging his hand under Harry’s bum and lifting him up.

            “What – Louis, what are you doing?” Harry let out a small giggle as Louis carried him through the flat into the bedroom before setting him down gently onto the bed.

            “I am going to sleep, since it feels like it’s been years since I’ve gotten any, and you’re going to be here with me because I’ve missed sleeping with you. Pillows don’t feel the same,” Louis pushed off his jeans before jumping on the bed, still in Harry’s hoodie and a pair of pants. Harry giggled again, bringing up his hands to cover his mouth and letting Louis see the light pink color of his nails. “Your nails are pretty, baby,” he mumbled as Harry slid his sweatpants off his legs and onto the floor, briefly revealing his soft pink panties before sliding up under the heavy blanket Louis had pulled back.

            “Mm, thank you Lou,” Harry murmured as he put his back to Louis, folding into the curve of the older man’s body. Louis sighed in contentment at his familiar response, happy with things being back as they had been before he’d been a major idiot.

After a few minutes of silence in which Louis had almost fallen asleep, Harry spoke again: “Um, I just wanted to – I know what it must have looked like, when you walked in here earlier, but…nothing happened. With Nick and me, I mean. He was just comforting me.” Louis tensed as Nick was mentioned again, but relaxed as the rest of what Harry said pierced the drowsy fog around his brain.

“Oh. Thank you for clearing it up, Harry. I didn’t want to ask, and I – I wouldn’t have blamed you, if you had turned to someone else, even Nick, but I’m relieved that you didn’t,” Louis responded. Harry shook his head softly and burrowed further back into Louis.

“No, just…just you,” Harry yawned, apparently still tired after sleeping all day. Louis wrapped his left arm tighter around Harry’s body and put his right arm up under his head, settling in to the bed. “Night, Lou, and happy birthday,” Harry whispered, his voice drowsy.

“Thank you, H. Goodnight.”

-

            Light was the first thing Louis saw when he opened his eyes. The sun was shining through the huge window on the wall across from him and hitting his face. Groaning, he reached his hand over and felt only cool sheets. Harry must be awake already. He reluctantly pushed down the blanket and slid his legs off of the bed, then stood up. He yawned and stretched, standing on his tippy toes and ruffling his hair before walking into the sitting room. The glass from the table had been cleaned up, and there was a new table where it had been before. Harry was sitting on the couch sipping on what smelled like hot chocolate, watching _Frosty the Snowman_. Louis stood in the doorway watching as Harry giggled and sung along with the theme song, his cheeks red from the warm drink.

            “You are so cute,” Louis commented before Harry whirled around to see him standing there with a fond expression on his face. A smile grew and dimples popped before Harry gasped and looked beside him on the couch, lifting the duffle bag Louis had forgotten in his car.

            “I figured you had probably brought a bag or something, so I sent someone out to find your car and gave them the keys from your pants…you don’t mind, do you? I just thought you’d want your bag…” Harry started to look worried as if he had committed a terrible faux pas as Louis laughed.

            “No, I don’t mind. I wasn’t looking forward to having to go out to get it, so thank you,” Louis dropped onto the couch beside Harry, jostling him and causing him to almost spill his drink. The glare Harry shot was undermined by the soft smile still resting on his face, but Louis let it slide without comment. He was still too happy that Harry had accepted his apology and they were LouisandHarry again, two parts of the same being.

            “Merry Christmas, Lou,” Harry settled his head onto Louis’ lap, almost purring as Louis absentmindedly carded his fingers through the younger man’s hair.

            “Merry Christmas, love.”

            After a few minutes of playing with Harry’s hair, Louis gently moved him off of his lap – bringing a pout to Harry’s full lips – and picked up the bag from where he had dropped it next to the couch as he sat down. An interested mumble fell from Harry’s mouth as he pushed his hair out of his face, watching Louis open the bag and pull out a big pile of gift tissue paper he had packed before leaving his room the day before.

            “Here, this is – it’s for you. I hope you like it, it’s kind of cheesy, I guess, now that I think about it, but…well, here,” Louis mumbled as he handed the package to Harry, a sheepish look clouding his face. Harry carefully unfolded the soft blue paper, revealing a small photo frame in the middle. Turning it over, Harry’s breath hitched as he saw the image caught in the frame; it was one of the two of them, from the X Factor boot camp. Liam had taken it, he remembered, and no one had ever seen it but them. In it, Louis is sitting in a large chair, his head over one arm rest and his legs over the other with a bright smile on his face, looking away from the camera. Harry is on his lap, his head resting on Louis’ bright red shirt, his hands caught up in it, his jean clad legs entangled in Louis’. The expression on Harry’s face, according to Liam, was “pure disgusting love;” Harry frankly agreed on the pure love part. The image was in a simple black wooden frame, and the wood felt soft to the touch as Harry clasped it to his chest, bending his head as the memories came rushing to the front of his mind.

            “It was so easy back then, you know? We didn’t have to worry about what people would think or how it’d affect the band, we just got to – we just fell in love,” Louis began, carefully removing the picture from Harry’s hands and setting it beside them before holding on to his hands, “we never even thought…never even imagined that one day we’d have to fight so hard to be in love. We never thought anyone would have a problem with it; I suppose that’s teenage naivety, though, to assume that it’d all be okay and the world would let us be happy, because it’s rarely ever okay and hardly anyone gets to be happy. But I’ve always believed that anything worth wanting is worth fighting for, Harry, and I’m always going to fight for you. For this, us. No matter what. Because I need you, Harry. I need you to make me the best me I can be. You’re such a – you’re so good, Harry, so kind and humble and just _good_ , and you’re the best influence I know. Without you, it’s not worth _trying_ to be my best self. I just – I need you, and I’m never going to stop needing you. And so,” Louis softly releases Harry’s hands, a confused look following him as he reaches down into the bag again and gripped the box he had placed in the bottom, his hands slick with sweat despite the cold temperatures. As he pulled his arm back into his lap, the confusion on Harry’s face morphed into realization, then to shock, and finally to careful elation as he looked up into Louis’ face again.

            “Harold Edward Styles,” Harry rolled his eyes at the nickname, the huge smile on his face negating any negative emotions, “you are – everything, and I’m not sure what I can possibly give the man who is everything, but…I’d like to spend the rest of my life figuring it out, if you’d let me.”

            And so, on Christmas Day, with tears in his eyes and love in his heart, Harry – not Harold, please, Louis – Edward Styles got engaged. And if, a year later, he sobbed especially hard while saying his vows, no one but the guests had to know.

Except, of course, that his _husband_ – that’d take getting used to – had somehow gotten a picture and uploaded it to Twitter later:

            @Louis_Tomlinson:

                        @Harry_Tomlinson got a little emotional during the ceremony xx pic.twitter.com/f456gr72

And if Harry had acted mad but had secretly smiled over the finally public declaration of love, definitely no one had to know.

He had a sneaking suspicion that they did anyways.


End file.
